PJ Time

I was staring at my computer screen trying to decide what to write about when the ever-occuring thought of 'I'll have a cigerette and think on it' once again presented itself. And as I enjoyed that first surge of nicotine i found my topic. This was followed shortly after by a wave of shame as the reality of my addiction once again came to the front of my mind.

I was an anti-smoker in highschool. I was disgusted by people who were 'addicted' to smoking. Come on, how hard is it to just NOT SMOKE, bloody retards. Why keep doing something that is killing you? I simply couldnt understand it.

Fast-forward a year or two after high school, i was 17 (I left early, a story for another time) and my attitudes towards well, everything had become alot more open. I wasn't anti-smoking but i still thought i was ridiculous and still didnt understand addiction. From that point on I was going to recieve multiple lessons. I tried a cigerette at a party, mostly because i was hammered and wanted to blow smoke rings. Once i inhaled a few times i had the craziest headspin ever, it lasted a minute or more and was renewed with each draw of smoke... I liked it.

From then on i would smoke every now and then, smokes bummed off mates etc. and all the time having these mad headspins as smokes were days apart. I was ignorant of the fact the days got closer and closer together.

I honestly cant remember where I went from a casual smoker to an addict. One day i just realised that the headspins were gone, but i was still smoking. I couldnt stop smoking, it made me feel so good. It actually took a long time between me realizing I'm addicted and realizing what that actually means.

Even now i find it impossible to explain to somebody who hasnt smoked what it feels like to be addicted. It messes with my mind in strange ways. Even the way i describe it would differ depending how long since my last smoke. Ive tried to quit many times, many ways. I feel so weak when i don't succeed and it is so easy to judge myself when I'm safely dosed up on nicotine. But when I'm deprived, It's like my personality splits and i argue and reason with myself. My mind plays tricks on me and convinces me of ridiculous things. And it doesn't just 'happen'. Over the space of hours and days my mind will slowly work me over and wear me down and at the end, a thought which i easily dismissed as ridiculous at the beginning somehow becomes reasonable. And at the very moment when i have nicotine again, my thoughts crystallize and that second malicious me vanishes. Suddenly i can see what a fool I am and how i have been deceived, the shame sets in. Even having been through the process many times i still find it difficult to understand, alot of it makes no sense, especially from a memory point of view. Memories of the time before i break make no sense to me when i pore over them with a clear mind. This is only a very loose sort of description, there isnt any words to really describe it and only another addict will fully understand what someone means when talking about addiction. But hell, it was amusing to try :P